The woman inside him


The woman inside him

After leaving your mum belly which was inevitable, you lost it. You secretly hoped that one day you could be reunified with her the way it used to be when she was pregnant. What you did not know and only realized day after day was that your departure from her womb was permanent. Instead of accepting that reality, you swore that no one will ever catch you at this game of caring, loving or depending on people. From that moment, even if at the surface you loved your mum, you only accumulated the things that she did that confirmed that she was only increasing the separation between her and you. You even did few things to make her miss you as revenge.

Woman became the problem. You could not trust her. One day, you were in symbiotic relation with them, the next day, they forced you to be separated from them. You started to hate them. The fear of women grew inside you and it made you reject everything that could link you to something that was even remotely associated with women or girls. You distanced yourself from the love of your mum even though you were craving it; you distanced yourself from every woman around you even though you were dying to be around them. It created something that was going to ultimately destroy every single relation you would have.

It created a situation that would put you at the edge of a breakdown. Every time you had an opportunity to be around women, you ceased it and brought them near you but the moment they were devoted to you, you started to fear them. You wanted to run away because you were scared of depending on them. You did everything you could to distance yourself from the women you loved. You had the weirdest behaviour. Every time women neglected you, you run after them and when they were finally giving themselves to you, you treated them with disdain and lack of respect.

You were control by the fear of being separated from them. This fear attacked and harassed you. Since the little boy was the one suffering from the separation, you decided to protect him. In order to do so, you imprisoned him inside you and maintained him inside your jail. You decided that no one was going to hold him again and abandoned him later. You decided that, he will always be alone and he will never depend on anyone ever again. You isolated him from everything and he was alone and cut from the outside world. He was unable to grow. The only thing that had a chance to grow was the woman inside you. Every time you felt like women neglected you, you kept on increasing the woman inside you. You thought that they rejected you because you were a boy. You even hated your body. You wanted to have a woman body but there was nothing you could do to change that and you could not even admit it to yourself. Fear of woman; refusal to admit a strong desire to be a woman, unseen desire to be a woman and imprisonment of the little boy inside you created the recipe for failure. Everything was ready for a cataclysmic ending. You could have gone gay without really knowing why, you could have gone transsexual without understanding what was going on inside you or you could have killed yourself.

Instead, you decided to live. Unfortunately for you, the more you feared something, the more you were attracted to it. The more attractive it was, the more dependent you were about it. The more dependent you were of the love of someone, the more you hated yourself. The more you hated yourself, the less likely you were to treat the person you love very well. The more you behaviour was horrible to her, the more she suffered and the more she reminded you of the bad person you were and the more you hated yourself which at the end increased the hatred you had of her. It was unstoppable until she decided only by survival instinct to run away from you. At that moment, you came to realize how much you needed her and how much you had mistreated her.

The damage was done. You realized something was not working adequately inside you. Something was torturing you very badly and was responsible of your separation with the person you loved.

Now you are suffering and calling all the angels to help you but they can not help you unless you go back to that separation from your mum and forgive life for parting you with the person who carried you in her belly. You need to forgive her for allowing you to leave her belly and especially, you need to forgive yourself for wanting to leave and pushing hard to go out to only realize that you felt way better inside her. Come back to that fear of being abandon, of being separated from your mum. Come back to her. It is the only way to solve all those problems and to start fresh.

You will finally have the chance to accept life the way it is. It was nobody faults if you left her belly. It was just the way life is. There is nothing you can do about it. It is time to forgive. It is time to accept that you have tried to reject the woman inside you but by doing so, you also rejected the man inside you. You are only a caricature of a man. You are neither a woman nor a man. You are completely fake. Confusion between the two is killing you completely. In order to sort things out, you need to go back to that separation.

As always, the fear of being a woman only increased your desire to be a woman which pushed you unconsciously to adopt woman instinct and completely restrained the man inside you. Feeling that your behaviour was leaning more toward woman without realizing it fully, you did everything you could to run away from it. The more you run away from that woman inside you, the more she was in control of you. Your inability to accept that you wanted to be a woman brought you under the control of what you did not want. She controlled you.

The moment you will pacify the relation you have with the woman inside you and accept her for the gift that she is and love her as you should have done all these years, she will be able to help you to love and take care of the little boy who is handcuffed inside you. She will be able to help him grow. He is lucky because finally, a woman will stay with him forever. The woman inside him. You actually allowed her to grow in order for her to take care of the little boy inside you. Allow her to help you. It is by submitting yourself to her rules that you will be able to make her do what you want.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: