More and more African American women have never been asked to be married

More and more African American women have never been asked to be married

Well! We often hear that African American women are dating more and more outside of their race. Let’s be precise, we often hear that African American women with high education and high ranking position in the society prefer dating outside of their race. Let’s be even more precise, we hear more and more that highly educated and high ranking African American women rather date white men than black men. Another statistic came out the other day saying that more and more African American women have never been asked to be married.

Every time a statistic comes about that subject, the media, black people, commentators, talk-show are jumping on the news and talk about the “what could push those women to go out with white men” or the “what could be the problem with those women” or the “what could be the problem with black men”. Of course this could not be a natural thing, it has to be because there is a problem either with them or with black men or with men or the society in general. I am not even saying that black women are thinking like this. I am saying that the whole society is thinking like this.

The society and black people often come up with different reasons that are revolving around the problems that they had with black men. It is common to hear those women say that they have difficulties to find black men who could match their social status, their standards or their expectations. They talk about the cheating problem and the venereal diseases that are coming with it, the beating that occurs from times to times etc. Ahhahahaah!!!! What can I say? BLACK MEN, it is your fault. Actually everything is your fault.

Some statistics are saying that more and more highly educated African American are single or are marrying outside of their race or have never been asked to be married. When the numbers are out, everybody compares them with the numbers of other races and they explained it by saying that there is a high number of black women than men, many black men are in jail, many black men do not have a job and therefore the consequences are that more black women are single.

Now, I just have one question. Why should people get married? Where is it written that people must be married? Why is it that people think that there is something wrong about being single? The numbers are showing a trend that is on every race. More and more women are single. It is therefore not necessarily a black women issue although the numbers are higher in that community as it is a general trend that is occurring not only the US but also in the entire world.

I have to ask the question in a different way. Why is it a problem if a woman is not married? Why should people be shocked about it? Instead of blaming either black men or black women or the entire society, maybe they should be asking why life has put them in a situation where they are not married. Maybe, they should ask themselves what are the doors that are opened to them when they are not married? What is it that they can do when they are not married that they would not have been able to do if they were married?

Perhaps for the moment, they are not supposed to be married. Maybe they have to do something else than being married. Instead of looking for that other thing, they spent their time wondering or arguing about the reasons why they can not find a man. It seems as if everybody is hypnotized by marriage as if it was the most natural and important thing to do. Even if it was the most natural and important thing to do, maybe times are just changing and we are witnessing more and more people who are not married as the statistics are showing us today. Instead of being frightened by it or mocking it or using it to point fingers at different communities or to play the game of comparison and judgement, why don’t we try to see what it is actually being revealed to us by those statistics. Why don’t we try to accommodate this new way of life within our society instead trying to fix it or judge it the way we do now. Maybe those single black women are just signalling with their life style the way things are going to be in the future and instead of marginalizing them or making them feel as if there was something bad about their live we should ask ourselves if indeed we are moving towards that future, let’s just see how those women are organizing their life because they might show us how we would be organized tomorrow. They are the innovators of the future society. By observing the way they live their life, organize themselves, handle their careers and relationships, raising their children etc, we might have a glimpse of how our future will be like. They are the precursors of what our future will be. Instead of fighting it, let’s accompany it.

People are going to have to accept that if the trend continues, more and more people are going to be single and they will have to behave differently with them. If the only behaviour they are going to have with those men or women who are single will be to tell them or to show them ways that they can also find the love of their life, it will not help the matter. We will only be in denial of what is currently happening in our society. Our society is going through the most important changes and the media, the press is acting as if it was a flaw to evolve into something that is becoming more and more the norm in every community. We are not helping ourselves by targeting it as something weird. The more we are into the rejection of this reality, the more we are building for our children an internal fight between what society wants us to go to and what is actually happening in our daily live. We are creating an internal drama for our children that would not be there if we would just accept reality the way it is.

If life made those black women single, they need to love the fact that they are single and they need to try to understand what is it about them that put them constantly in a situation where they are single? What is it about being single that is pushing them to make decisions that are maintaining them in a position of single woman? What are the steps they took that led them to be outside of marriage? What exactly is scaring them about marriage? What are the things that marriage is doing to people that is restraining them from getting into it?

What exactly is making them question the life they have chosen for themselves? They did not become single by surprise. It was a series of decisions that they made that brought them in this type of life which I want to insist is a valuable alternative life style. How come after choosing to be single (whether they accept the word choosing or not), they do not want to assume their choice? How come people around them who obviously saw them making the decision to be single are trying to find them people they can get married with?

It seems to me that nobody is respecting their choices and I would even go as far as to say that those single women are the first people who do not assume their choices. As long as they behave as people who are not happy to be in the situation they are, everybody will consider their situation as weird. If those single women who have never been asked to be married do not stand for their situation, they will appear as women who have a problem and are suffering because of it. If they do not come to the realization that they put themselves in that situation, they will never know why they did it. If they do not understand that at the unconscious level they did everything they could to be single and not being asked to be married, they will never take their responsibilities.

In order to take their responsibilities, they need to know themselves a bite more. If they are not married, maybe it is because they need to understand who they are. Maybe they have to know themselves better in order to love the situation they are in. By loving the situation they are in they live a better life and they get out of the usual questions which are how am I going to get married? Or why men are like this or like that? etc.

Knowledge of oneself brings understanding of oneself. Understanding of oneself brings patience. Patience leads to a kinder and softer approach to who we are, to what we are, to our history, to our life and to the decisions we took whatever the results ended up being. Eventually we will grow the inner love of who we are and what we are. There is no life that is without problem but there is a way to love ourselves even if we have problems. As long as we love who we are, we are able to resist the pressure that society is putting on us to go in one direction or the other. Maybe those African American women are single because they need to love themselves from within. After they accomplished a great deal of success in their outside life and they are single, maybe it is time for them to go back into themselves and start the much greater work of loving their inner self.

If life put them in a position of being single woman with that amount of success, it might be because they had a greater role within the society. Since they have the time and the energy, they could use it to know who they are from within. Once they would have known the answer of that question, they would be able to make choice according to their findings.

The society is in great need of people who are able to show different life style or alternative life style. One of the ways to have a fulfilling life would be to know who we are and taking decision according to the answer of that question. Maybe they are single because life wants them to go in that direction. By assuming their live, they are building the future and are showing to the world what it could become over the years. A study of who they are in the most intimate way will reveal them who is hiding deep down deep inside them. It is the key to love the person who is inside them and to love their situation and to assume their role in the society.


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