A renewed pact


A renewed pact

His hands were cold even in summer. There was a clear distraction inside him. He was not his usual self but he managed to go to the park anyway. He arrived there and luckily for him the trees were there. He walked close to them and hugged them when he was inspired to do so. He wanted to put his feet on the soil but it was too cold. He said to himself that he would do that in summer. He was able to talk to himself about a conversation that he had with someone. He was continuing the conversation alone as if the other person was with him walking along side to him.

There were not a lot of people in the park probably because the weather was a bite capricious. It was not that there was any rain but most of all the lack of clarity did not incite people to go out. It was neither too cold but yet not warm enough for people to step outside. The courageous ones who ventured themselves in the park were complaining about the coldness of their hands. The mothers were rushing their children to go home because they could not stand the cold. Fathers who came outside with their kids without their gloves retracted their hands inside their coats. The sun was there but it was hidden by the skies. Nothing was clear in the horizon. What exactly was going on in the air? What was going on in himself? What was pushing him to be blind about the future? What was missing? Why did he need to know about the future? What was bothering so much about the present that he needed to project himself in the future? What was so unpleasant about the current moment that he needed to anticipate the future?

Was it the fact that he was taking food from the garbage of the house he was living in with his roommates? Was it the fact that he felt more and more comfortable with it? Was it the fact that he had reached a stage he would have never thought possible to reach? At the beginning it was tough for him to go look for food inside the garbage of the house but as the days and the difficulties went by and the need to eat was more and more intense, he found himself stealing from his roommates and slowly but surely taking whatever it is that they threw away. He even managed to invent a kind of social vision about it. He was recuperating things. He was the filter through which things were going before they were completely thrown away.

The first time he run into the garbage to take things, he did not even realize it. He was so hungry that he just saw food. It is just when he was in the middle of it that he saw himself in the garbage. He was exactly like the homeless. He was taking food from the garbage. All his parents had done, all the money they had spent for his school, university, all the lessons they taught him, had led him to take food in the garbage.

He thought about his parents and imagined what they would think if they saw him. He had a big sense of failure, a sense of humiliation and a sense of betrayal. He failed his parents who sacrificed a lot to put him on top. He failed his own dreams. He was a clear failure. Maybe, that’s why he needed a brighter future. Maybe the weather was just reflecting what was going on in him. Perhaps for somebody else, it was a beautiful day. Maybe there were actually lot of people outside but he could not see them because inside him he was alone. Everything was dark inside therefore outside, it was only the same thing.

Since problems never come alone, in terms of love, nothing was clear either. There were lots of uncertainties that were making his heart shake in different ways. Nothing was clear in the present moment. He could not speak with real people because no one would believe what was going on in his life. He did not have the courage to talk to people about his reality. He had put himself in such an unbelievable situation that he could not share it with anyone. He did not want to. The only people he could talk to were the invisible people. Were they true? It did not matter. He needed to talk to someone and he believed that they were true and that was the only thing that mattered.

He was wondering how far and deep life had decided to bring him. He was wondering what kind of sins he had committed in order to be sent in such a strange economical abyss. For sure he took great pleasure at talking to his invisible people. He had to because other than them, he had nobody else to talk to. Life had decided to put him in this situation. He accepted it even though sometimes it was hard.

He was alright regardless of his situation. He thanked life for giving him sometimes what was left in the garbage to eat. When he came across the restaurants he used to go to and pay without thinking, he remembered how it was and how he would have never guessed while seating there and having a great time that he would be in the situation that he was. He thought about the fact that he did not enjoy the food he was eating as much as he should have. He took it for granted. Now he was looking at those days and he wished he could go back there but it was not possible. He cried about his missteps and his lack of understanding of life.

Few minutes later as if the invisible people were talking to him, he remembered an old proverb that they used to cite when he was a student: “If you ate at the king’s table once, you will eat there again”. It was the only thing that kept him going. He smelled the scent of the food that was coming out of those restaurants and left some tears out.

No love, no money, no food, the present was not exactly paradise but he knew that paradise was not a place where he had to go but where he was. If he could not see paradise in himself, if he could not see paradise in his situation, if he could not love himself enough to stay happily in his situation, if he could not love everything that was happening to him regardless of the sufferance he was going through, regardless of his emotions and feelings, he knew that he could not reach paradise.

If God had decided to put him in that situation, it was because he needed to experience this situation. In order to live this situation as a God had intended, he needed to live it as a gift. He needed to refuse to pity himself. If pity was there, he felt it and as soon as that feeling was gone, he run back right to look for something that was happy about his life at that moment because God could not send something bad to people. He knew that everything that was going on inside his life was just an illusion even if he did not have the proof even if it was extremely tough.

If it was God will that he went through this situation, he decided that he would go through it not as someone who was broken down by faith but as someone who had chosen to live what God had sent to him. He would make his Creator be proud of him even if it was tough. He knew he had dreamt all that was happening to him and had wished it to come to him. Now that he was living that situation, he had doubts but he was not going to abandon. He had decided to be a servant of God and there was nothing that was going to deviate him from that objective. If this was the way to servant hood, he was taking that road without a blink of an eye.

While leaving the park, this is what he said to himself: “I just want to deserve to be your servant. I ask to be your true servant. You know more than I do why I need to go through this. My hands are cold even in summer and you are the only one who knows why. There is no clarity in the day except the certitude that I want to be your always faithful servant. From the depths of my difficulties, I am yelling as hard as I can in order for you and the entire world to hear me that I am only interested in You. Take your place in me. Strip me of the things that are slowing my path to you. Keep taking away from my inner self all the things that are maintaining me in the dark. I know more than before the cost to be with you and more than before I am submitted to it. More than before, I want to move toward you. It is consciously that I renew my vows to you. I love you.” And he arrived home and stole some chips.

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