A kiss of eternity

 

Make my night soft and sweet

Take the time to open my heart completely and allow everything that I need to enter

Welcome me in your house during the night and make my stay a long one

Let me seat at your table and taste the food you made

Allow my lips to have a zip of the drink you make in your field

I want to be in your arm. I am yours.

Tell me what I need to do in order to enter in your house

Tell me what I haven’t done to deserve to be with you

Give me the kiss of eternity

Rita’s reputation Part 15

Rita’s reputation part 15

When they woke up the next morning, they were both late for work and one after the other, they jumped into the shower. Rita went through her mum’s clothes and picked some since she did not have any in her mum’s apartment. Waking up together and rushing to do something together were not something they had done in a long time. They were smiling at each other while they were quickly taking their breakfast.

Her mum asked if she slept well. Rita said that she did and apologized for changing her mum’s program the night before. She told her that she did not have any program and even if she had one, she was the priority. Nothing was more important than spending time with her daughter. She added that she looked nice with her clothes when they were taking the elevator. Before they went on their separate way to work, Rita told her that she really enjoyed sleeping in her house and added that it had been a long time she had not slept that well. She proposed to her mum to repeat the experience sometimes soon if it was alright with her. Her mum replied that she was ready to do it as many times as Rita would need to. She added looking straight into her eyes that she could do whatever she wanted in that apartment because it was also her apartment and that it would be her pleasure to receive her. She wanted her to know that she could come whenever she wanted. Rita hugged her and kissed her before running to catch the bus. Her mum smiled. She was happy. She did not care about being late for work. She stood there she looked at Rita going in the bus. She waited that her daughter entered in the bus and that the bus took off before walking toward her car.

Both of them were appeased when they left each other.  They both felt good about the new spirit they were in. They were both extremely happy. It seems as though things were getting more natural. They had crossed a difficult bridge and were now on a more solid ground. Although nothing would be forgotten, they had made a huge step forward. They saw each other as people who were in the same family and most important behaved as such.

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Rita’s reputation part 14

Rita’s reputation part 14

After their first meeting, Rita and her mum met once a week for the next six months. They were talking about their lives and the challenges they were facing. They share their discoveries and supported each other. Both of them never mentioned Rita’s father. Rita was able to explain the anger she had in her and how it had affected her. She told her mum that she was greatly disappointed by family and her education and could see how her perception of the world was in contradiction with the reality of the world. It had created a great frustration in her about the world. Because of the education she grew up with in her family, she had expectations about life that did not come true. She hated the world because of that. She hated the world because it did not give her what she wanted. She was jealous of the people who succeeded. She envied them and did not know how to get out of it. The difference between what she thought the world was and what the world was, created a conflict within her.

She wanted to stay true to her education but no one believed in what she believed. She wanted to change and be like the others but every time she was doing that, she felt bad about it. She felt like she was betraying who she was. She did not know where to go to be happy or how to be in order to be in peace with her action and the people around her.

She spent a great deal of time thinking about running away and rejecting the way the world was moving. She doubted everything and did not trust any institutions or anyone and she felt like nobody understood her. The people who were around her did not live by the standards she or her parents were living. It created a great animosity between her and the others. She was always judging and criticizing them.

Her mum had listened to her and understood her very well. Rita was bringing the subject so often that she decided to help her solve her existential crisis. She explained to her that because there was a huge contradiction between what she had been taught and what she was living, she could not be in peace with herself. On one hand she had one world in her head and on the other hand there was a different world in reality. The two were colliding all the time. She had hoped about life, love and family that turned out to be unrealistic. Those dreams have been crushed on several occasions and she no longer knew how to live her life. She was scared by what was in her head and what was in the real world.

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Rita’s reputation Part 13

Rita’s reputation part 13

 

They met on a Saturday at the second cup near McGill College. Rita’s mum went there the first, she took a coffee, sat on a table and she waited for Rita while s drinking her coffee. Rita was scared. They had not seen each other for four years. She did not know how to be with her mum after all these years. She was a little uncomfortable and guilty for not answering back to her mum’s email. Although she had lot of anger in her, after a year of pretending to ignore her mum’s emails and all the love she was sending, she decided to give it a try. She wanted to see her mum even if she was still angry at her. She had realized that she could live without her parents. Life was not as easy as she was with them but she was surviving. She had lived without the approval of her parents and it was alright but she was not looking for that anymore, she needed their benediction. She had found that without her parent’s benediction, she was lacking something in her life.

The fact that she had a troubled relation with her parents was always a source of concern for her. She was never 100% good within herself. She did not need them to approve of what she was doing but to wish her well. Even if they disagreed with her, if at least they could wish her well, it would be a source of comfort. Every time she was thinking about her parents during those four years, she was either angry or sad and it had not helped her much. Even if she had decided to live according to what she wanted, the fact remained that her parents were still part of her life. When they were not around, she was thinking about them all the time. She was having strong arguments with them in her head. Their exchanged kept on going in her head.

What was the point of being away from them if they were going to be in her mind all the time? As a matter of fact, they were never as present in her life when they left them. Every thing she had done was always in reference to what her parents had told her. She was fighting more with them when they were not with them than when she was living with them. She concluded therefore that it was better for her to fix the problem she had with them instead of fighting over it with them when they were not around. The way they were integrated in her life was not at all satisfying. Their absence in her life was actually a heavy weight on her shoulders. Their absence and the constant fight she had with them in her head, made her see that she had unfinished business with her parents. They were questions that needed answers and staying away from them was not going to fix them.

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Rita’s reputation Part 12

Rita’s reputation part 12

Rita’s mother called her son in London and told him about the separation. He was shocked. He knew the situation was not the best but he would have never envisioned his parents being separated. He tried to dig what had happened but she just told him about the difference they had about life and their need to stay apart for their own good. He asked if it had to do with Rita and she answered to him that it had nothing to do with her. He asked her if she needed anything and she replied that she was already in her new apartment and her work was going fine. She added that he should not worry about them. He should just focus on his studies. He said that he would comeback in Montreal for the summer vacation to see things for himself.

She asked him Rita’s phone number or her email. He told her that it had been a long time he had not talk to her directly but they exchanged emails from times to times. He added that after her departure, he did not know how to talk to her nor if he should talk to her. He said that he was disgusted by the family and did not want to have anything to do with it. She tried to calm him by telling him that it had been hard on everyone but that they would find a way to get back together. She reminded him one his father saying about life: “With time all the wounds will be healed. There is nothing that time can not cure”. She could not say that things will be as they used to be because quite frankly she did not want to go back to the old days but she was able to tell him that they will get back together not like old times but way better than before. She promised him that from now and on it would be her primary focus.

She decided to keep contact with him on a more regular basis by calling him every week in order to get some news. She sent an email to Rita in which she clearly stated that she was sorry for what had happened. She explained that she had suffered a lot and was still suffering because of her absence. She said that she had no excuses for not trying to see how she was coping with her new life since she was thrown out of the apartment. She wrote everything she had felt over the years, how difficult it had been to live without her, how much she hated herself for not fighting for her, how the relation with her father deteriorated and the fact that she never had the luxury to live for herself or even to dream about it. It had never been on her agenda and she did not even know what it was all about.

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Rita’s reputation part 11

Rita’s reputation part 11

He spent his time between work and home. He read the Koran and prayed a lot. He asked for forgiveness for the behaviour he had when he was under the influence of his daughter request for freedom. He begged God to forgive him for the way he acted against his wife. In his prayers, he told God that he was ready to do anything he would ask him in order to make his wife comeback to him. He told God that he had understood that his children did not belong to him but to God. He got that by stopping them from doing and being what they wanted, he was actually stopping what God wanted. Consequently by trying to prevent them from doing what they wanted, he was actually preventing himself the freedom he needed to get out of the prison that he was. By being a wall against his children, he became a wall against himself. It forced him to become all the things he promised his parents he would never be. It brought the worst out of him. He told God that he would never move any finger against his children’s will or anybody’s will because he understood now that by doing so, it was himself that he was hurting and nobody else.

All he wanted at that point was that his wife comeback to him. He did not have the courage to call her because he was ashamed. He called the hospital and pretended that he was his wife uncle and asked news about her recovery every single day. When the nurses told her that her uncle was calling every day, she knew it was her husband but she did not say anything. She was also thinking on her side about what had happened. When she looked at herself in the mirror and saw the black-eye, her broken nose which had become big because of the beating, the bandage all over her face, the bruises on her arms, breast, shoulders and her impossibility to move, it made her realized that maybe the three years of beating and insults she had  received were enough.

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Rita’s Reputation Part 10

Rita’s reputation posted Part 10

Two or three weeks after Rita’s departure from her house, her father started to come home a little bite sooner than he used to. When he past closed to his daughter room, he was not even looking at it. Seeing her empty room was hurtful. He took the habits of staying on the first floor in the living room. He sat on a chair that allowed him to see the outside view. He thought of what had happened. He reflected on his life and was asking himself where did he go wrong? He had done everything that he was supposed to do. He had followed his traditions. He was even considered as one of the most opened person in his community. He had never stopped his daughter from doing anything she wanted. He always found compromises between what the traditions were asking and what his daughter wanted. He had never beaten her up like others fathers were doing with their daughters. He yelled at her occasionally like everyone was doing. Even when he compared himself to white people he was extremely careful about his daughter wishes. At the end she turned her back on him. It was an ending he did not approve.

He told himself that life was just unfair to him. He had never asked life to give him extraordinary things. He always followed God’s path. He lived his life according to the rules and traditions of his parents, community and his country of origin. He had always seen his parents extremely happy with their traditions and they were following them with enthusiasm. He had just tried to imitate what they have done. They taught him well and he wanted to be a good son. It was his turn to show his children how to live a life of traditions. It was his duty as a father and he did it.

On paper, everything was supposed to be perfect. The life he had lived was supposed to give him rewards and happiness but instead it gave him nightmares, pain and humiliation. As a good Muslim, he was supposed to accept what his reality was but he could not. The end result he had was unjust. He looked around and saw parents who did not care as much as he did about their children. They never paid as much attention to their needs as he did. They did not consider their opinion as much as he did. The only result he got out of it was rejection and hatred from the people who benefited the most of his devotion.

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Rita’s reputation Part 9

Rita’s reputation part 9

After crying for almost an hour in the restrooms, she went in her bed. The beds were one on top of the others. She was on the one below. It was a single bed as opposed to the one she had in at her parent’s house which was not only a master bedroom but a queen size bed. The others visitors were sleeping and snoring. She was exhausted. She entered in her bed with her clothes and slept right away.

In the morning, when she woke up, she was surprised to be there. She did not recognize anything. She was almost frightened to be there. She felt she was in a bad dream. It took her sometimes to remember what had happened and where she was. When everything sank in, she looked at herself and saw that she slept with her clothes on. She went straight to take her shower but all of them were busy. She had to wait in line for a shower. It was her new reality. She felt strange. She understood and adapted rather quickly.

Later on, she went for a breakfast at “2nd cup” and organized her day. She decided to go in university to look for a large room to rent on internet. She found many of them at a price she could afford. She would have liked to get an apartment on her own but she did not have the money for it. She decided to skip school in order to look for a place to stay.

She called several places she saw on internet and scheduled a visit. She spent her day visiting. She saw different styles of rooms. There were rooms that were so dirty and smelly that she did not even want to enter in the house to see the room. In one of them, the owner was smoking all the time and there was no window in the room she was offered. Another one was in an apartment where the owner had eight dogs and there was poop in the bathroom. She saw one where the house was not only old but the owner seemed extremely odd. Others were way too far and she did not feel like spending three hours in transportation every day. On few occasions, they were asking her to give the money right away because “supposedly” the rooms where going extremely fast. As they were saying, the first come, first serve. Some of them even asked her to give them the money immediately and told her that they will give her the key the next day. Of course she felt there was something fishy about it and did not give any money unless she had the key of the apartment.

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Rita’s reputation Part 8

Rita’s reputation part 8

After she paid her bed at “l’auberge de jeunesse”, she stepped out and realized that she was going home to take her stuffs. She felt weird. If somebody would have told her that she will leave her parent’s house just a year ago, she would have never believe it but there she was completely ready to do it. She still got time to change her mind. Her head was spinning and was asking her if she really wanted to go ahead with that idea.

Instead of taking the subway to go to her parent’s house as she usually did, she decided to walk. She wanted to take her time or maybe she was not sure that she wanted to go take her stuffs. The panic she had experienced earlier was gone. Her steps were moving alone. She was not controlling anything. She had no clues as to how things were going to be when she was going to arrive home. She was not scared but anxious about it. She knew that by leaving today, she was crossing the line. It was the point of no return. The moment she was going to step out, the relation with her father and mother will be different. She will be a different person. It would be different world.

Without realizing, she arrived in front of her building. She hesitated before entering. Then something told her: “Rita, you wanted your freedom, do not chicken out now. Just go get it and whatever is going to happen will happen. It does not matter anymore. You are ready to do it, so do it. Remember, it will only take a few seconds. It might seem like an eternity but in few minutes, you will be out and it will be over”.

She breathed in and breathed out two or three times and she opened the entrance of her building, said “hi” to the guardian, pushed the button of the elevator and waited. Her heart was beating fast and she felt a huge pressure inside her stomach. She was so into her head that when the elevator arrived, the little ring that it did to signal its arrival surprised her. It sounded louder than usual. She got in the elevator and pressed the button to go to her soon to be ex-apartment floor. The tension in her was increasing as she saw the number in red showing that she was getting closer to her parents’ apartment. When she arrived at her floor, she was almost breathless. She breathed in and breathed out again and she went in front of the door. She took her keys out and while she was trying to open the door, her mum heard it and opened it for her and immediately told her: “look at what you have done. You are responsible of this family break-up and she started crying.”

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Rita’s reputation Part 7

Rita’s reputation Part 7

 

After speaking to her brother, Rita stood there not knowing what to do. She tried to make few steps but she came back where she was. Then she tried to move a bite but her steps were heavy. It was as if her life had just crumbled in front of her. She was a bite lost. For a few moments, she was not able to rationalise things. Everything she had ever had was falling. She would have never anticipated such a development. She felt empty inside her. She could have fallen right there. It would have been alright as far as she was concerned. She breathed in and breathed out and was able to think a little bite.

Then it hit her that she was quick to tell her brother that she will manage herself alone but reality was that she did not know where to go or where to start. She cried and felt abandoned. She asked herself if that was the way she was being compensated for her desire to do what she wanted. Maybe life was just punishing her for being a bad girl. There were no others explanations for her situation. She did not even know if the money she was earning at the job was enough to get her an apartment. Everything in her was telling her to go apologize to her father and beg his forgiveness in order to fix things. She knew how to make things go back to normal. She knew what to do and what he wanted. The temptation to run to him and apologize was strong. Fear was pushing her to do just that.

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